Sexual Confidence: Beyond Performance, Scripts, and “Shoulds”Why feeling confident in sex has less to do with technique — and more to do with self-trust

Previously, during a podcast episode on sexual anxiety (sex and breakfast podcast link), my colleague Dr. Norelyn shared a story that resonated with me. She mentioned that some of her clients had turned to ChatGPT and posed a question that many people silently wonder about: What should a real man be like in bed?

Notice that word — should.

ChatGPT gave a typical response: confident, self-assured, and masculine. They then deliberately tried to embody these traits, performing as they thought a “real man” would. Unfortunately, most who tried these tips didn’t succeed. Instead, they felt more anxious, insecure, and convinced that something was wrong with them.

During coaching sessions with Dr Norelyn, it became evident that there was no dysfunction, inability, or biological issue. The real problem was the internalised sexual script they were trying to conform to — a fear-driven perception of who they (a cisgender man) were supposed to be.

That made me pause and ask: What is sexual confidence, really?

Like many of us raised in a culture rooted in a traditional, heteronormative, patriarchal society (and for me, an Indonesian Muslim one), it is hardly surprising that we develop a limited understanding of what sexual confidence entails and how it manifests. Or we receive confusing messaging (due to the influence of Western media) about sexual confidence. We’re told and shown (directly or indirectly) that sexual confidence means:

We often hear that, for men, sexual confidence is about being loud, proud, dominant, and masculine (ahem, Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey)—knowing exactly what to do because they’re considered more experienced. For women, the picture is quite different: it’s about being demure, pursued, and seeking romance. Think of Charlotte from Sex and the City, or her confident, bold, and adventurous counterpart, Samantha.

People often misunderstand sexual confidence, thinking it’s about performance, experience, or equating it with being extroverted or highly desirable. This can create a dynamic where one person pursues while the other is pursued, often placing the woman in the pursued role. In my experience with counselling, coaching, and relationships, this narrow view of confidence doesn’t always fit well. Clinically and relationally, it frequently doesn’t hold up. Most of us aren’t like Christian Grey or Samantha Jones; we’re just everyday people wanting to stay true to ourselves and, most importantly, to foster mutual happiness and respect in our sexual relationships.

Here's a different way to look at it. What if sexual confidence isn’t just a performance, a fixed personality trait, or a set of secret techniques learned from a guru in Bali (though I support ongoing learning)? Instead, what if it’s also a craft you continually develop, embody, and live by? Like an artisan or craftsman who keeps refining their skill through an internal state shaped by curiosity, a hunger for learning, self-trust in their body and boundaries, open-mindedness, resilience to failure and criticism (viewing them as learning opportunities), and emotional safety for themselves and others.

The Rendang Metaphor: Why There Is No Single Recipe for Sexual Confidence.

Let me share this with you through a food analogy, because that’s how my Indonesian mind naturally works. In Indonesia, there’s a beloved dish called Rendang. It’s a rich, slow-cooked curry. My late grandmother prepared hers with up to thirteen spices, learning it from her mother, her grandmother, and the entire lineage before her. My mom, on the other hand, took a slightly different route. She learned it from her aunt and uses about seven spices. Both versions are absolutely delicious—different, yet equally special. Still unmistakably rendang.

Imagine sexual confidence like rendang — a dish crafted from diverse recipes and family traditions, yet always unmistakably rendang. At its heart are the essential, core ingredients — without them, it simply wouldn’t be rendang. Then there are the adjunct ingredients, adding unique touches influenced by personal preference, personality, culture, history, and personal experience, all passed down through different lineages. There’s no one right way to make it. Still, my grandmother would probably insist that her recipe remains the best.

The Core Ingredients

These are the basic ingredients that make sexual confidence (and rendang) what they are

1. Sexual Education

"Knowledge is happiness, because to have knowledge—broad, deep knowledge—is to know true ends from false, and lofty things from low," – Helen Keller

What if I told you that understanding your body is essential for building sexual confidence? Gaining high-quality sexual knowledge helps you become more aware of yourself and others. While learning techniques can be helpful, the first step is to get to know your body. Understand your pleasure zones, sensations, responses, and rhythms. Identify myths that hold you back and work to dispel them.

Education helps us challenge false beliefs and myths that undermine confidence. Many of us have fallen for such myths, especially if our upbringing lacked comprehensive sex education and we relied solely on social media, pornography, and hearsay. Thus, learning from a narrow social script, it is hardly surprising that many men are led to believe that sexual confidence is reduced to penis size, shape, duration, and stamina—an idea of confidence shaped largely by cultural expectations rather than by honouring the individual, unique bodily experience of pleasure, wanting, and sensuality. 

Similarly, many women’s sexual confidence is undermined by shame about the appearance or scent of their genitals. These fears are largely shaped by social narratives influenced by the media, pornography, and the wellness industry, creating a shared environment of unrealistic or negative perceptions of sexuality.

Develop critical thinking about the sexual script you grew up with. Explore research literature that can challenge your current beliefs, talk to trusted, wise, and compassionate elders in your religious community, or seek support from healthcare practitioners who are sex-positive and can guide you to appropriate educational resources to broaden your sexual understanding.

Curious? Start here for Sex Ed

https://beducated.com/

https://www.omgyes.com/join

2.  Boundaries, Autonomy and Communication Skills.

As you become more aware of your sexuality—including your needs, desires, and sources of pleasure and displeasure—you'll learn to recognise and respect your limits and boundaries. Building sexual confidence involves trusting your body and advocating for what you need.

Betty Martin, whom I was lucky to learn from, said: "The more definitive your no is, the more reliable your yes becomes." Your yes, no, and maybe all hold unique importance. In a world dominated by mental processes and technology, it’s easy to forget our bodily signals and simply follow the mind's instructions to perform.

Take time to listen to your body and heart before following your mental urges. Notice what your body desires—whether it's a break, a hug, or a gentle touch of your hair.

This is your permission to connect with your body and say yes or no, an affirmation to express and communicate your:

• needs

• limits

• curiosity

• uncertainty

You'll find that when your body feels comfortable saying no, it naturally relaxes and allows a yes. Good communication isn't about perfect phrasing but about authentic choices and honest expression. This reduces fear and builds comfort and confidence. Ultimately, it’s about honouring your true self. Just good enough communication.

As we come to know ourselves, we no longer become dependent on performing sexual scripts imposed on us. Having self-agency, where you can trust your choices (not relying solely on performance) and advocating your needs, is part of building sexual confidence.

3. Sexual Values

Another core ingredient of sexual confidence is understanding and exploring your sexual values. When values conflict, misunderstandings or disagreements can arise. Remember the arguments you might have had with your parents about dating during your teenage years?

Conversely, sharing core values with your loved ones can establish a solid foundation for intimacy and trust. Clarifying which values are most important to you, particularly those you see as non-negotiable, can enhance your sexual confidence.

To identify your values, ask yourself: What does sex mean to me? What themes does it involve? Is it about connection, play, sacredness, or exploration? Do these values align with your spiritual, cultural, or religious beliefs?

Living according to values that aren’t genuinely yours—even if they seem appealing on paper and are presented as "the right thing to do" (noticing the 'should' sneaking in)—can subtly undermine your confidence. This happens because your body senses when it’s betraying itself, leading you to ‘’perform’’ a yes to the should.

Sexual confidence grows when your actions align with your inner meaning.

The Adjunct Ingredients: Soft Skills

Soft skills are subtle yet important ingredients in building your signature sexual confidence. They encompass personal qualities, interpersonal abilities such as emotional intelligence and social skills, and habits that shape your personality and interactions.

I will outline some additional key components I believe are essential, and by the end of this article, you'll be able to identify more elements that comprise your unique sexual confidence.

Curiosity

Even in long-term relationships, we constantly change. Our sexual preferences, needs, bodies, and fantasies evolve over time. Curiosity fuels a vibrant sex life by encouraging self-awareness and awareness of others. When curiosity fades, we start to let our assumptions take over, thinking ‘’Oh yes, he always likes that – I know what he wants’’. No wonder boredom and disconnection start to kick in.

Maintain curiosity about your and your partner’s shifting desires, needs, and fantasies, as well as about your partner. Be attentive to the natural fluctuations in your desire and to how your sexuality transforms as time passes.

Body Peace (Not Body Love)

Sexual confidence doesn't depend on loving your body. While we endorse the body positivity movement in a world obsessed with perfect bodies and shapes, the idea that we should always strive to love our bodies isn't always within reach. Like other cultural expectations, striving for another standard – to be perfect – can become another source of pressure. That cultural demand can become another form of pressure – it’s another form of ‘’should’’. 

I suggest we invite body peace into our lives. This means inhabiting our bodies without constant hostility or criticism, stopping the fight and ignoring the inner critic that narrates every sensation. We refuse to treat our bodies as projects to fix or as performances to judge. As we gradually learn to inhabit our bodies as places to simply be and to allow ourselves to live, we will begin to listen to what they need, want, and their ability to experience pleasure, like feeling good after a cold shower on a hot day! This is the foundation on which sexual confidence begins to grow in a body that is at peace.

Emotional Safety

Another important and influential ingredient in enhancing your sexual confidence is emotional safety. Emotional safety is a big concept, but in essence, it’s that sense of comfort and peace that allows you to fully show up as you are, imperfect, with all your flaws. If you feel safe in a relationship, you don’t have to walk on eggshells, second-guessing yourself or your partner. It’s not about avoiding conflict or discomfort, but about feeling safe that no matter what, I can be me.

In sex, it may show up as not always having to pleasure your partner to keep the relationship going. That you both can laugh at the mishaps or silly things during sex, and no one will criticise the shape of your genitals or their smell (and taste!!)

It’s your nervous system knowing: I am not under threat here. And I can be whomever I can be. You have your own back.

Beyond Performance

Let’s revisit the original question: what does sexual confidence really mean? Is it about how a real man (or woman) should be in bed? How confident should I feel? Am I doing this correctly? The answers might be found in the basic recipe I shared earlier, but you’re still in the realm of theory until you actively seek out these ingredients and cook them! Master them, add your own spices, and keep at it until you master them.

At its core, this question might be about a simpler but more complex issue — is this about who I am allowed to be? With my body, my desires, my boundaries, and my right to choose, change, and not perform. It’s not about creating a perfect rendang but about the process of cooking it, together with your community.

Just like making rendang— which traditionally requires the whole village to stir the pot continuously — it’s something you build slowly, imperfectly, and in your own way.

Interested in finding your own unique signature recipe for sexual confidence? Please head to the booking page to arrange your complimentary discovery call with me. Short on time? Come listen — I’ve got you! Check our Podcast at Sexandbreakfastpodcast.com